The modern romantic is a careful and rational being, and it is this trenchant outlook that normally precludes any masochistic misadventure into a long-distance relationship. However, a true champion of courtship is also always up for a challenge. For those brave few, we offer the following guidelines.
Long distance relationships run on the fuel of shared experiences past, and that fuel, like interesting conversation with someone who enjoys the Twilight series, is bound to run out. In a romance revolving around Skype sessions, growth is impossible, making maintenance the name of the game.
Make clear the expectation for heavy volumes of text messages, phone calls, emails, smoke signals, and the occasional carrier pigeon; and fill said correspondence with your greatness as a lone, relentlessly independent entity. As soon as your love interest becomes dependent upon the sweetness of the asides from your life’s grand adventure to get them through their lonely and bland existence without you, cut off all communication. They will be bedlamized by your sudden elusiveness, and promptly send a box of goodies in hopes of returning to your good favor. At this point, communication must ramp up anew. This practice is known as “Taking the Sugar.” Sugar cycles should be conducted at six to nine week intervals for maximum efficacy and care-package accrual.
Bringing your loved one across the Google-map image that normally separates you is a joyous occasion, but not without objective. You must settle them so completely into your world as to create a painful tearing of their soul when it comes time to go. Cater to their every need; ensure memorable repasts; become everything they’ve pined for in your absence. You must also thoughtfully select which new elements of your life they should be privy to, and these should exemplify your intelligence, uniqueness, and lack of needing them. Also, clean out your computer history. Cookies are meant to be delicious, not incendiary.
Upon securing the ideal travel itinerary priced equally across Travelocity, Expedia, Kayak, Priceline, Orbitz, and Cheaptickets, it is time to visit your beloved. Your efforts in this event should be directed toward dominating their new friendships, ensuring that when you leave you are still “there.” You must be the Angelina Jolie in every movie (not her life): capable and sexy (not pretentious and exoskeletal). This can be accomplished by feigning interest in social events, winning over every introduction with quick wit or very subtle flirtation, and maintaining good humor while openly mocking any hostiles. After rounding the social circle and drawing their peers into your majesty, your mate will insist on keeping you to themselves. The remainder of your visit will consist of reflections on your earlier dominance, tickle fights, and easy access to “small spoon” sleep status. Once home, take the sugar.
Adherence to these guidelines is sure to keep your partner fully engaged until you either reunite, or end it.
EXCEPTION: Pursuing separate love interests in different cities is discouraged; for more on this, observe Ludacris’ masterwork, “Area Codes.” However, doing so in non-intersecting orbital planes is nothing less than visionary.