The human body is a miserable thing when examined closely. In its base utility it emanates, extrudes and emits sheens, sounds and scents destructive of any aesthetic ideal. Who could love a fart or forgive a booger? Personne. Inasmuch, the modern lover is charged with keeping their partner securely chained and facing forward in Plato’s Cave; accepting the carefully drawn shadows of their cleanliness as reality; concluding that their loved one does not poop.
It should first be noted that obfuscating number 1 is not difficult. Feign that you need to wash your hands or correct an errant contact lens. When in the restroom, run the water and do your business safe in the knowledge that the relationship can progress unhindered by images of the body voiding waste. While number 2 presents a greater challenge, it is readily overcome by use of the prescribed measure: poop readiness condition, or POOPCON.
POOPCON is a measure of the turbulance and readiness level throughout the stomach, small and large intestines. These levels are matched to situations of corresponding digestive severity, particularly closeness in time to “go”. In increasing order,
POOPCON5: This condition designates normal readiness. Note that it usually takes between 2.5 and 3 hours for 50% of stomach contents to empty into the intestines, and roughly 35 hours for complete nutritional processing. Divide these numbers by 8 for Chipotle.
POOPCON4: The second level refers to a heightening of security measures. It should be declared when expected travel plans might preclude an unobtrusive exit, during a car trip, lengthy flight or dance marathon.
POOPCON3: Here readiness is increased above normal and discussions pertaining to the next availability of rest facilities must become obscure. The near occasion of number 2 demands both that you set a reachable goal for yourself and avoid too much conversation, lest you risk admitting the looming corporeal debasement. Reflect on topics of the day unrelated to agribusiness or Jay Leno’s new show.
POOPCON2: Poop is imminent. At this stage, there is little to be gained from misleading your partner. Find a restroom, relieve yourself and use the mirror to correct anything that is out of order. You may have left in shame but you can return looking and feeling your best. Never acknowledge what happened; your story remains a now-settled need to wash your hands, correct an errant contact lens or return a text message.
POOPCON1: It is unknown whether this condition has ever been declared outside of India. If it has, it is doubtful the relationship or the declaring party survived.
Understanding these levels, the general advice should be clear. Go into each engagement with your partner at the lowest POOPCON possible, and do not begin any interaction at POOPCON3 or POOPCON2. Visiting a significant other’s apartment or house at any level higher than POOPCON5 is ill advised; the shortest distance between romantic bliss and failure is a bathroom misadventure.
EXCEPTION: None. Everybody poops but nobody should talk about it.