Sleeping Together

Sleeping Together

As important as those intimate acts surrounding actual rest, sharing space with your partner during sleep is another dare-to-be-great situation for the modern lover. Slight emphasis is too often placed on coupled slumber, with too many retiring to their nightly berth underprepared and overconfident that collective exhaustion will get them to daybreak. There is something better.

First, set the stage. Buy a sleigh bed; it’s like sleeping in a toboggan built for two, and each night drifting across a winter wonderland of meadows filled with snowmen. Every morning will open with hushed recapitulations under the covers of dreams from the hours before, albeit many involving sugar-plum fairies. In contrast, trundles and futons are the Crocs of beds: the nadir of the form, embarrassing even for children and an admission by the fully grown that adult onset diabetes is not far off. Finally, if you’re sleeping in a Murphy bed, you’ve made a horrible mistake; perhaps more importantly, you are sleeping alone and need not read any further.

Second, get dressed. There will be moments leading up to and following your time wrapped under monogrammed sheets and seasonal duvet covers; make sure you look your best. You should be comfortable, but actual comfort is second to the appearance thereof. Consider footy pajamas. Shakespeare once wrote, “Apparel oft proclaims the man.” He was right, and the modern romantic proclaims their untroubled beauty and devil-may-care attitude through meticulous premeditation.

Third, consider position. The outside spoon is your point of departure, not your destination. At the start of the night, you should be most attentive to your bedmate’s needs. Rub their back, kiss their neck and hold them close. As they drift to sleep, suddenly roll away and run the knife (also called the “I Don’t Love Lucy” or the “Mormon”). This rejection will force them to turn to renew your interest. You will fall asleep with them attending to your comfort, as it should be.

Fourth, sleep. Go to bed when you both are tired. Nothing is worse than lying asleep next to your partner as he or she continues to engage the world without your steady hand to guide every interest back towards you. As always, conflate the great things with you, the good things with your relationship and the bad things with singledom. You’re the best around, nothing’s gonna ever keep you down.

EXCEPTION: If bunk beds are an option, take the top.


Ending It

Ending It

True love demands that all but one relationship come to an end. Otherwise someone will end up tied to a significant other, pet or Netflix subscription they’d rather not have. When the time comes for ending a relationship it’s important to remember that whoever takes charge will move on to a happier and healthier place; the rejected will disappear into YouTube, self loathing and tear-soaked pillows while their friends and family suffer through countless phone calls, tweets and Facebook status updates. This is why failing to cut things off at the very first sign of anything other than complete adoration from your significant other risks too much. That said, for the modern romantic the appropriate exit strategy is sudden apathetic disinterest, or S.A.D.

Like Poseidon’s trident, S.A.D. is a three-pronged approach:

Sudden – The shift from caring to indifference must be a surprise, lacking warning or justification and preferably after a seemingly connective event, such as a ski weekend or a pregnancy scare. Some historians believe Sun Tzu solely employed this element of S.A.D. during a break-up.

Apathetic – The choice must not appear malicious, kind-hearted or even logical. End schadenfreude-driven texts (“When will I see you next, baby?”) with confusing responses (e.g., “Sometimes. The Happening sure sucked. V.v.V?”).

Disinterest – Every effort must be wholly divested of interest…or not. Whatever.

While S.A.D. may be deployed without justification (and it should given the first requirement), your partner’s response will soon grant a more reasonable basis for discharge from the relationship. As you move on to a brighter future filled with laughter, joy and tickle parties, your new ex is surprised, confused and hopeless. This is much like the German forces on Omaha Beach during the Normandy Landings or an American driver entering a British roundabout. Indeed, these feelings inevitably lead to the kinds of erratic behavior that a healthy, independent and awesome person like you does not need in their life. The relationship will falter under the weight of your partner’s insecurity, and when asked to explain this failure you will be able to project blame with the simple riposte, “You freaked out for no reason.” This will leave you a highly and properly propitious youth, or H.A.P.P.Y.

EXCEPTION: This method fails when utilized by both parties. The result is marriage.