While texts between real friends are usually functional (i.e., “What’s up?”, “I’m at the movies” and “Have you seen my wallet?”), texts to a significant other nearly always end up as an awkward conversation. The only reason to engage in such a pointless exchange is to showcase how confident and funny you are while at the same time filling the void of their day with your awesomeness. Inasmuch, these are the rules to texting in romance.

Sending Texts

1. Never send the first text unless there have been three consecutive days without communication. In this way your partner will be excited to hear from you, much like the disciples were excited to see Jesus.

2. Always end your texts with something opaque, confident or inquisitive Economy is your friend, and you should always seek to combine all three (e.g., “R U NVS?”). Ask yourself: what would Kierkegaard text?

3. Never send a text for the sake of sending a text. Unless you are asked a question, set up for a great punch-line or given the opportunity to show that you really don’t care, put down the phone.

4. Never send texts on a date. To do so would be blatantly rude and moves of irreverence towards your partner, textual or otherwise, must be subtle and easily justified (i.e., “I didn’t answer your text because I was in a meeting”or calling them “random” when they are upset with you).

5. Never send a text within five minutes of receiving one. Whatever value is collected from your clever riposte must be heightened by the anticipation with which it was met. But see Receiving 2, infra.

Receiving Texts

1. Always read texts right away. This gives you time to think of a great response during the five minute waiting period.

2. Whoever receives the last text has the power. Remember that power is only worth giving up if you can ensure it will be promptly returned.

3. Pretending not to have received a text is a great way to get multiple texts in a row. Each consecutive text received after not responding to the initial text adds to your control exponentially. After three your greatness is “on fire”.

4. Always acknowledge texts on a date. The best way to do this is with little chuckle and a complete disregard for the fact that you just got a text. Deflect any questions kindly but firmly.

5. A text received after three days without communication is coming from someone well-versed in these rules. It’s on…continue reloading this page for further instruction or promptly end the relationship.

Following these simple guidelines will always keep you in the lead. However, as always, there is one exception.

EXCEPTION: Any text after 1:35 am is a booty call. Close.


One thought on “Texting

  1. Pingback: gotta have textual healing « normal existence

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